Infinite Joke Goldmine
Life hack: If you have cold hands and you’re by a Safeway, nobody will stop you from holding a rotisserie chicken for awhile.
Stop letting Jesus take the wheel, he's from before cars were invented and has no idea what he's doing.
Big shoutout to grandpa because he can't hear me otherwise.
Wife: Those Junior Mints are way expired.
Me confidently eating them: You mean SENIOR MINTS hahahaha wow they taste bad, I don't feel good.
Thank god attorneys let us know they're attorneys "at law" so we don't assume they're attorneys at garlic bread.
Kicking myself for not thinking of this in high school, but if you keep screaming for no reason, eventually they'll let you go home early.
When you put on a seatbelt, your car—on a certain level—becomes a backpack.
Interesting plan how the Ninja Turtles wear eye masks so people won’t be able to guess which mutant turtles they are in daily life.
The British version of the Antiques Road Show is super weird: The “experts” guess the weight of each antique instead of how much it’ll sell for, and they SUCK at it. A Monet painting is 700,000 pounds? Yeah right, idiots.
Do you ever have a plan for the day, and suddenly it’s 4pm, and you're caked in ritual blood in a pentagram, having set in motion terrifying events?
Paleo diet: Day 1 was tough. Ate an unfamiliar plant to see if it would kill me so my tribe would know if they should avoid it from now on.
Salesforce sounds like the weakest branch of the military.
in the control group
=
pranked for science
You ever think about how weird it is that Pizza Hut‘s mascot is a roof?
The guy who decided you can't spell "slaughter" without "laughter" is a sadistic S.O.B.
I found a way that you can eat as much bad food and drink as much beer as you want, and still get a beach body! It’s the kind that washes up on the shore, but still.
Isaac Newton hides behind his bed. Desperately quiets his breath. Sweat drips.
The doorknob turns.
That apple rolls in, back to finish the fucking job.
Me: relax I got this, hi officer
Highway Patrol: You drinkin tonight?
Me: I demand trial by combat, I designate my passenger as my champion.
If a dog’s owner dies and there’s no other food around, the dog will wait about 7 days—until they’re literally starving—before they consider eating their deceased master. Cats sometimes try while you’re napping.
Marketing department: We've narrowed down potential names for the restaurant to either "Applebee's" or "Watermelonspider's."
God: Rattlesnakes, I’m putting a maraca on the tip of your butthole, [giggles, then suddenly serious] but if anyone ever laughs at you, your mouth is poison.
The only reason brain surgeons tell you not to do your own brain surgery is so they can get more customers. Well prepare to eat crow, haters because I got a soldering gun, a mirror, and I‘ve read The Secret.
You might feel stupid constantly asking all the employees at the aquarium if you can go in the octopus tank, but only one of them needs to say yes.
Cactus: I stab, what’s your defense?
Poison ivy: Poison.
Onion, confidently peering over glass of scotch: I make my attacker look sad.
"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" -world's worst surgeon
Getting possessed is the fastest way to learn Latin.
Why my wife doesn’t let me go to gamer expo anymore:
These eclipse glasses suck, I can barely see the road.
Imagine how ostracized from the afterlife community the Ghostbusters will be when they die.
Thanks, dudes who make loud sounds of relief when peeing, for saving us from having to check in with your emotional state during that process.
Pot’s great for depression. If I’m ever feeling depressed, I eat 2 pot brownies, and BOOM: depression replaced with terrifying anxiety.
Thoughts when seeing someone in flesh colored pants:
1) Omg cover up.
2) Why is your butt stitched together?
3) Oh.
So shocked to read reports saying 50% of our memories are false that I almost fell off the shark I rode into work this morning.
People buy pearl necklaces because they're fancy, but to an oyster we're just weirdos wearing a string of its kidney stones.
Figure skating would be cooler if it included hockey-style bodychecks from the other competitors.
Whether it was the baked good or butts that we named “buns” first, it’s extremely weird that we then also named the other one that.
Button fly pants are great because who wants to speed through the magical experience of wondering if you'll get to the toilet in time.
Living in a haunted house does sound scary, but I bet the unnatural chill of a ghost passing through you feels pretty great on a hot day.
Snitches Get Stitches: the name of my quidditch equipment repair shop.
I bet cows think manatees are mermaids.
Cats: Here’s my belly, pet it, seriously I won’t mind at all—PSYCHE I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU
I don't get Trojan condom branding, like isn't the whole story about the Trojan Horse breaking open and spilling out everywhere?
"Devil's advocate" means to take an opposing opinion for the sake of ruining your friendship.
What if God had told Abraham to kill his son, and Abraham did it without hesitation before God had a chance to tell him he was just kidding? We should all think our pranks through more carefully.
Me after eating an individually packaged cookie: What a nice snack.
Me after eating 30 cookies because they’re not individually packaged: I am cookie king, and every sweet disc I consume recomposes my corporeal form with my crispy choco chip destiny.
Show idea: A cooking competition where each dish contains LSD, and Gordon Ramsay is a judge, and nobody tells Gordon Ramsay about the LSD.
Love the taste of rocks but wish they were slightly less difficult to chew? Try ALMONDS.
NFL doesn't allow marijuana ads because pot impairs your brain & NFL wants football to be the only activity that does that.
Best way I have found to get over a crush is go to a party she'll be at, accidentally eat 3 LSD brownies, discover she's a spy for Sauron.
I can’t believe “127 Hours” wasn’t called “Between a Rock and a Hard Place.”
Cat experts say when a cat leaves a mouse at your doorstep, they’re trying to feed you. But let’s cut through the bullshit—that cat is telling you you’re next.
I once ate 3 brownies that seemed normal.
Luckily they weren't pot brownies.
Unluckily they were LSD brownies.
Luckily a nice orc was nearby.
"Random" should be spelled differently every time.
Fashion makes a statement, and my haircut says, “This guy saves a lot of money.”
Not enough money for a loud motorcycle? Impress people the same way by going around screaming, "I CANT DISTINGUISH BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD ATTENTION."
Why do they still make original Oreos now that we have vastly superior Double-Stuffed Oreos? That’s like having access to showers but still bathing in a puddle after it rains.
Brag Alert: This sentence was a palindrome, but I deleted the other half because it didn't make any sense.
Stop saying "9 out of 10 doctors recommend" I DON'T CARE HOW HOT THE DOCTORS ARE
I caught a babe checking me out, but she pretended she was looking in her boyfriends eyes, and not my reflection, and she built a life with him as a cover.
Ain't no party like a Donner Party cuz a Donner Party is a brutal reminder of the extremes people can be reduced to in the name of survival.
They always say fame changes you, but that’s bullshit because I was on TV once and I stayed exactly the same except I bragged way more.
Lasagna is pasta cake.
I'm C.O.O.L.
C. Not.
O. Sure.
O. How.
L. Acronyms work.
I think I speak for self-doubting people when I say you know actually never mind.
Oh no, this guy doesn't speak my language, I better repeat the exact same thing but louder
"I'm a people person" sounds like something a disguised alien would say.
Starting a walking tour of places Joaquin Phoenix cooked w a wok after waking from sleepwalking. The “Waking Walking Joaquin Woking Walking Tour.”
I'm in the women's bathroom. It's way different. It smells good and everyone's really nice. There's a real sense of community.
Smoking pot lowers your sperm count because evolution knows you're not ready to be a dad.
If beer is proof that god loves us, then cantaloupe is proof that he doesn’t love us that much.
Guy: The killer is the biggest ass in town, so I propose we call him "assin."
Dude: Not harsh enough.
Guy: Assassin.
Dude: Nailed it.
Moths are butterflies that don't believe in make-up.
Willy Wonka's candy must have been amazing because people died at his factory like every day and shoppers still didn't switch to Hershey's.
I do stand-up because I never want to be alone and this career ensures I'll always have roommates.
It's my parent's 34th wedding anniversary! They don't like it when I draw attention because they're divorced.
God: I'm giving you dogs 10,000x better sense of smell than humans, what will you do with this amazing ability?
Dogs: Smell butts lol
Cats are like lap warmers that stab you.
[I walk in with a black eye]
Wife: Omg what happened???
Me: You should see the other guy! He looks great, a very attractive man beat me up.
Me last time I almost got in a fight: You’re lucky they’re holding me back!!!
Other guy: Who?
Me: My fears, I don’t want to get beaten up.
Realistic ad:
"Always driving like an a-hole but sick of feeling the slightest tinge of human shame? Do it anonymously with TINTED WINDOWS."
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the "Upton Sinclair's The Jungle" of Oompa Loompa working conditions.
Mario: Hey Bowser thanks for having me over to make peace. This peach cobbler tastes meaty. Where’s the princess? Why are you smiling all weird?
When mafia bosses gave people the kiss of death, I wonder if they ever initiated some tongue action just to show they really meant it.
My theory is that guys save up things they're sad about and then cry when their sports team loses.
Saw a guy jogging barefoot. Dunno if it was weirder that he was trying to get in shape without shoes, or that he was carrying a big TV.
I started Duolingo, and not to brag, but yo soy una mujer intelligente.
McManager: Don't offer ketchup because we need to conserve it. But if they ask for ketchup, give them too much because fuck everything.
All chicken is jerk chicken. Chickens are rude.
I saw a bald man wearing a visor and driving a convertible. It's like someone dragged a razor across the top of his entire life.
You can call somebody a "clever son of a bitch," and that's fine, but for some reason you can't say, "you're clever and your mom is a bitch."
Las Vegas is a great place to to spend New Year’s Eve if you want to watch people break their New Years resolutions minutes after making them.
They say sliced bread was invented in 1912, but today in Whole Foods I saw paleo bread & it was sliced so somebody is off by 100,000 years.
If you want to know what it's like to be a cow in a pasture, imagine living atop a vast all-u-can-eat buffet, but before you get all excited, you also have to poop there.
Dad couldn’t remember the name for a sloppy Joe and called it a “messy Jonathan.”
I once overheard a man whispering, "you're not crippled, you don't need that wheelchair," to a baby in a stroller, and I’ve never fully stopped thinking about it.
A woman was looking at me but then pretended she was looking at the car accident I was in. Lady, you're not fooling anyone, I know I look good.