The Onion Gamers Network

Contributing headlines for The Onion Gamers Network was a blast. Onion Gamers Network is unique: More relaxed in structure than the hard news-style headlines of The Onion's front page, and it's also more of a window into the immature, game-obsessed, often paranoid minds of the fictionalized OGN team. Below are some of my favorites.

  • Know Your Rights: If a Cop Asks You to Stop Gaming, You Don’t Have To

  • Deal Alert: This Kid Has All The Coolest Games, And You Can Play Them At His House If You Can Get Over How Weird He Is

  • Real-Life ‘Elder Scrolls?’ Nana Keeps Repeating The Same Dialog

  • Which Xbox Series Should You Buy? We Put Each Model Equal Distance From Bill Gates And Watched Which He Ran Toward

  • Our Bad, Gamers: Historians Tell Us ‘Axis Of Evil” Does Not Actually Refer To People Who Use Inverted Aiming Controls

  • We Popped A Couple Pot Brownies 45 Minutes Ago, But We’re Confident We Can Review The Last Of Us Part II’s Gripping, Nuanced, Layered Experience Before They Kick In Actually Wow Hold On Wow Oh Boy

  • Pray For Us: We Just Learned The Captain On This Flight Has Never Played ‘Pilot Wings 64,’ And We Are Going To Storm The Cockpit

  • 10 Tips to Quiet The Whirring Sound in Your PS4 That Just Won’t Stop Telling You to Kill The Mayor

  • We Were Tricked: This Road Trip Is Only Marginally Like The Arcade Game ‘Cruis’n USA’

  • If You Think Shigeru Miyamoto Is Great Now, You Should See How Much Money He Leaves Under Your Children’s Pillow When He Sneaks Into Your House To Collect Their Baby Teeth

  • Real Life ‘Monster Hunter’: We Think We Finally Have Enough Animal Parts To Make A Machine Gun

  • Ally On Supreme Court? We Just Saw The Unmistakable Outline Of A Nintendo Switch Under Justice Breyer’s Robe

  • Glitch Found In ‘Marvel’s Avengers’ Causes Bruce Banner To Turn Into The Hulk When Horny

  • Do Video Games Reduce Violence? Statistically, Most Murders Happen While Murderers Aren’t Playing Video Games

  • Is This A Glitch? Agnes From ‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ Has Big Windows on Her Bedroom, and It’s Uncomfortably Easy to See Her Having Sex

  • Beat At His Own Game: Sony Buys All Food At PS5 Scalper’s Local Grocery Store, And He Has To Buy It Back At Drastically Higher Price Or Starve

  • Love Tamagotchis But Hate The Work? Try This Screenless, Buttonless Version That Exists Whether Or Not You Care For It

  • Empowering: You Can Hold A Game Controller During A Court Hearing To Pretend You’re Controlling The Judge’s Decision In The Arson Case Against You

  • Man Insisted He Could Survive Alone In The Arctic Based Only On What He Learned In Minecraft, And It Went Pretty Much How You’d Expect: Extremely Well

  • Give Us A Minute, Gamers: We Just Watched A Mortal Kombat Fatality That’s Exactly How Our Dad Died

  • “The first rule is to recognize whether it’s fun. If it’s not, throw it out and start over.” — Game Designer Hidetaka Miyazaki, on adopting dogs

  • Stay Calm: Remember That Dreamcast In The Attic? We Don’t Recall It Having Moving Arms

  • Behind The Scenes: Kirby Reveals Daily Full-Body Brazilian Wax Routine Used To Create Iconic Pink, Hairless Appearance

  • Gamer Oppression Continues: Being A Gamer Still Not Listed As Comorbidity That Qualifies For Early Covid-19 Vaccine

  • Sony Confirms Controller Is Called “DualSense” Because It Mutually Feels And Loves Your Touch

  • Grand Theft Auto VI In Real Life? Our Car Is, Um, Gone.

  • Tragedy: Texas Storm Cuts Power To Thousands Of Nintendo Switches, Xboxes, Hospitals, PlayStations

  • Scandal: Blizzard Admits To Engineering Overwatch To Screw Over You And Only You When You Totally Hit The Button In Time