Entirely Too Much Mirth

Interesting plan how the Ninja Turtles wear eye masks so people won’t be able to guess which mutant turtles they are in daily life.

When you put on a seatbelt, your car — on a certain level — becomes a backpack.

Stop letting Jesus take the wheel, he's from before cars were invented and has no idea what he's doing.

Imagine how ostracized from the afterlife community the Ghostbusters will be when they die.

A boy once asked, “Am I my body?” I replied, “If you lost a hand or foot, would you be you?” “Yes,” the boy said. “Then you must be more than your body,” I concluded, proudly knowing I’d tricked the boy into not considering how weird & different he’d be without his shoulders.

Just saw a bald man wearing a visor and driving a convertible. It's like someone dragged a razor across the top of his entire life.

Life hack: If you have cold hands and you’re by a Safeway, nobody will stop you from holding a rotisserie chicken for awhile.

People buy pearl necklaces because they're fancy, but to an oyster we're just weirdos wearing a string of its kidney stones.

Thank god attorneys let us know they're attorneys "at law" so we don't assume they're attorneys at garlic bread or something.

All chicken is jerk chicken. Chickens are rude.

Written by Jesse Fernandez, Jesse Elias, and Miles K.

My fiancé bought whipped cream, and it is so freaking sexy how we stand at the fridge and eat the whipped cream directly out of the can until it’s empty.

I once had sex with a woman who was wearing an Apple Watch, and afterward she said, “I have to burn 14 more calories.”

Written by Jesse Fernandez, Jesse Elias, and Miles K.

If a dog’s owner dies and there’s no other food around, the dog will wait about 7 days — until they’re literally starving — before they consider eating their deceased master. Cats sometimes try while you’re napping.

Fiancé: “Those Junior Mints are way expired."

Me confidently eating them: "You mean SENIOR MINTS hahahaha wow they taste bad, I don't feel good."

Me after eating an individually packaged cookie: What a nice snack.

Me after eating 30 cookies because they’re not individually packaged: I am cookie king, and every sweet disc I consume recomposes my corporeal form with my crispy choco chip destiny.

You shouldn’t stare at the sun. It’s very uncomfortable for the sun.

I can't commit to anythi

Written by Jesse Fernandez, Jesse Elias, and Miles K.

THC isn’t a performance enhancing drug unless the competition is to forget where my keys are.

Humans: "This cat is part of my family."

Cats: "We’re more of housemates."

Dad couldn’t remember the name for a sloppy Joe and called it a “messy Jonathan.”

My theory is that tough guys save up things they're sad about and then cry when their sports team loses.

If you eat string cheese in large bites rather than pulling off and eating individual strings, the spark of joy is gone from your life.

Ok I have to be honest with you all: I don’t care how you eat string cheese. Eat it in strings or large bites. Blend it. Who gives a shit. Live your life.

My phone has this annoying glitch where the screen shatters every time I get very drunk.

It’s pretty disturbing that gingerbread men make their homes out of the flesh of their own kind. What a society.

I once overheard a man whispering, "you're not crippled, you don't need that wheelchair," to a baby in a stroller, and I’ve never fully stopped thinking about it.

I don't get Trojan condom branding, like isn't the whole story about the Trojan Horse breaking open and spilling out everywhere?

My parents named their dog Susie. I thought giving the dog a human name was a little weird, but my sister, Spot, was furious.

A woman was looking at me but then pretended she was looking at the car accident I was in. Lady, you're not fooling anyone, I know I look good.

The Bible never specified what the “forbidden fruit” was, but I bet it was durian.

Me, literally every single time I get high: "Did I do something socially bad?"

Fiancé: "No. You’re just being anxious."

Me: "Ok is my anxiety annoying?"

Fiancé: "No."

Me: "Ok thank you. …Why isn’t “random” spelled different each time?"

Why my fiancé doesn’t let me go to gamer expo anymore:

Fact: The birthing method, Caesarian section, is named after Little Caesars pizza restaurant, which originally opened as an OBGYN but pivoted to pizza after accidentally buying many pizza ovens.

We wear clothes. But to clothes, they are riding us.

I almost got in a car accident with a goddamn driverless car.

It was my fault, but still.